Die Riley Die!
by PearlyJammer
Summary: A series of short scenes that celebrate all the scrumptious ways that Riley could have passed on from the Buffy universe, but unfortunately he didn’t.CHAPTER THREE: Unexpected aliances form in California.
1. Default Chapter

Title:  Die Riley Die!  

Author:  Autumn 

Email: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com 

Cat:  Humor/Parody 

Summary:  A series of short scenes that celebrate all the scrumptious ways that Riley could have passed on from the Buffy universe, but unfortunately he didn't.  

Disclaimer:  Captain Cardboard, the Scoobies and every other character belong to Joss Whedon and CO.  

Rating: PG-13, violence 

Author's Notes:  This is not for the 3.4 people who like Riley.  It's for the rest of us that couldn't stand him.  

AN AU of 'Real Me' 

*************************  

Sunnydale Memorial Cemetery:  

            Riley Dolph Finn 

            July 1976-July 2000  

            The Few, the Proud, the Marine 

            "Your boy's middle name was Dolph?" 

            "And?" 

            "Finn." 

            "And?" 

            "Marine.  The irony is palpable." 

            "Shut up Spike.  You didn't even know him." 

            " Like there was anything to know.  He was boring, and nothing much more than cannon fodder. Plus, he got himself offed, by Harmony!" Spike laughed with devilish glee. 

            He always enjoyed having a poke at the Slayer's chosen ones, but her latest Lancelot had just turned out to be lame- a lot.  Captain Cardboard had gotten himself nabbed by Harmony, when she and had minions had decided to set a trap for the Slayer.  

***Flashback*** 

            Riley had been at home enjoying a night of dusting his collection of Limited Edition GI Joe's aka Army Kens.  A knock at the door brought him to the front of his apartment.  "Hello?"  He called when nobody appeared.  

            "Look down!" A voice called from the shrubbery near the walkway.  

            Dutifully, Deputy Dumbass obliged, and picked up a note written on pink paper, with a unicorn address label on the top.  The name had been scratched out, except for a large capitol 'H.' before he had time to study the note more closely; it was jerked out of his hands by the sting that was attached to the top of it with tape.  The note was jerked along the ground and Riley found himself running to keep up with it.  

            A second lemming ran up behind Riley and struck him on the head.  He was then dragged to the cave by Harmony's gang. The whole thing observed by Spike whom'd gotten Harmony to tell him what he wanted to do.  Naturally, he wanted to be around for the blessed event.  The gang had chained Riley to the wall and fed off of him whilst waiting for the Slayer to fall into their trap.  Unfortunately, they minions had taken too much blood from Riley, and Harmony had attempted to revive him by force-feeding him her own blood.  

            Spike had laughed his way to the crypt when the Slayer and her pals discovered a very dead Riley Finn.  They'd buried the body with Buffy knowing full well that he would rise again. 

******End of Flashback***** 

            "You could have told me what was happening Spike."      

            "You've got me there Slayer.  I could have.  No wait, why would I want to help the person responsible for the sodding chip in my head?" 

            "Why are you always around for all of my break ups?"  

            "Because they're fun.  The look on your face when your honey gives you the rub-off, or in the case of John Wanger, gets himself killed by a fledgling its absolutely delicious."  

            Their fight was interrupted by none other than Riley Finn rising from the grave.  His reflexes were still incredibly slow, and before he'd gotten all the way out of the grave, Buffy had slammed wood through his non-beating heart. 

            "You keep sticking all the guys in the chest with something pointy, no wonder you can't hold onto a man."  Spike crowed and left the scene.  He hadn't had a night this fun in a good long while.  

            Riley was out of the picture, permanently and torturing the Slayer was always fun.  Throw in a good spot of violence and 'The Best of Passions,' it might just be his best night ever.   

*********End******** 


	2. The Return of Toth

Title:  Die Riley Die!: The Return of Toth  2/? 

Author: Autumn 

Email: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com 

Rating :PG-13, Violence, language 

Cat: Humor

Summary:  Willow and Xander see that Riley isn't the guy for Buffy.  And why should Harmony get too have all the fun of plotting evil schemes?  An AU of 'The Replacement'  

Author's Notes:  It's defiantly not the most mature piece I've written, but I hope it's funny.  

***************** 

"She'll never cut him loose Xander."  

"What are you talking about?" 

"Hello, we're talking about the girl that took back Angel.  Mr. I turn evil when I have sex and stalk my girlfriend and her friends and then kill them-to cap it off I sit back with a nice apocalypse, then go to hell for a nightcap and come back to stalk my girlfriend and her friends-again." 

"Okay, so Toth it is."  Xander said.  

"Do you think we should tell Anya, Tara or Giles?" Willow asked.   

"Nah, what's the worst that could happen?"  

********** 

Later that night,,,,,,,,,, 

Giles, Anya, Tara, Buffy, Riley and Xander found them in the Sunnydale landfill, following the scent of the daemon they had come to refer to as Toth.  He had come to kill the slayer, or so it was thought, but Xander and Willow knew the real purpose.  Still, it took them by surprise when the Daemon glided up behind him. 

            "Hey everyone, its Toth!" Anya pointed out helpfully. 

            "Slayer, I am here to kill you-" 

            "Yeah, yeah, I know." Buffy interrupted. 

            "ur boyfriend." Toth finished and pointed his magic wand at Riley. 

            "What? I didn't do anything!" Riley cried, indignant that someone wanted to kill him in Buffy's name instead of his own! 

            "You exist. Therefore I shall crush you."  Toth explained patiently. 

            "No!" Buffy shouted, somewhat belatedly and leapt at Toth. 

            "You do not concern me."  He said casually as a jet of light shot directly at Riley and hit him in the groin.  

            Toth glided off again as Riley fell over and began to cry like a baby.  It wasn't much of a surprise since Toth had transferred him from being a member of the male sex to being a non-sexual.  In other words, Riley had lost his one true friend-his penis. Xander and Giles both winced in pain, but Anya directed her sympathies to Buffy.  "This loss must be terrible for you.  It almost makes me want to let you borrow Xander to have many orgasms to forget about Riley." 

            "I'm still here Anya!" Riley squeaked between sobs.  

            "Well part of you is." Tara giggled.

            "Tara!  This is not the place for inappropriate sophomoric humor!" Giles admonished.  

              Buffy broke down laughing beside Tara.  "But Giles, he was a-he's a-penis stealing daemon!" 

            Willow joined in with her best friend and her girlfriend's laughter while the two males and the ex-daemon stared at the three women as if they'd completely lost their minds.  Eventually they recovered enough to carry Riley away from the scene of the crime and bring him back to Giles' apartment.  He was moaning in pain so loudly that Buffy knocked him out, for his own good.  

********************** 

            Three days later………

            "I'm sorry Buffy.  If I had known this was so serious, we could have researched this better, found some way to cure it."  

            "It's okay Giles.  Nobody really saw this coming. How could we?"  The slayer said. 

            "Or the little information we had gathered about Toth, it did say that it separated a person's good qualities from their worst ones.  But it didn't say a thing about any physical separation."    

            "We should have predicted that Riley would die from this though.  I mean it was like losing a heart, or a brain or something almost as important." Anya chimed in. 

            "Still, death by penis removal, that's something that every guy dreads but nobody thinks that it's really possible."  Xander said gravely.  

            "I just don't understand how Toth knew exactly what would be his undoing." Tara put in thoughtfully.  

            "I guess we'll never know."  Willow said as the Scoobies prepared to leave the gravesite.    

            "Just chalk it up to dating Buffy ends in pain, misery and death." Xander said rather flippantly.  


	3. Fashion Victim

Title:  Fashion Victim 

Series:  Die Riley Die!  

Author: Autumn 

Email: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com 

Cat: Humor 

Rating: PG-13 

Story Summary: AU of 'Out of My Head'      

Series  Summary: Riley dies, lots and lots!  A series to celebrate all the scrumptious ways that Riley could have died in the Buffyverse, but unfortunately he didn't.  Also, he wears a kilt. 

Author's Notes:  

I really don't like Riley.  At all.  So I kill him a lot……..   This series probably isn't for the people who actually like him. 

*************** 

            Three vampires crowded the man who thought he was such a kick ass fighter.  'Ker pow!" He shouted as he punched a vampire in the face.  

            The fact that it was a child of no older than ten years old had no effect on him whatsoever.  Riley had dressed up in his favorite fighting kilt and painted his face blue and white.  "Freedom!"  He shouted in a terrible Scottish accent as he attacked the baby vampire.

The vampire clearly had the upper hand and was about to sink his teeth into Riley when a flash of blonde knocked the child vampire off the man in a skirt.  Buffy through a stake through it's heart and quickly dispatched the other three vampires who had witnessed Riley's pathetic fight.  This had been the third time in two weeks that Riley had nearly gotten himself killed in battle and Buffy had to come to his rescue.  She was quickly tiring of saving her boyfriend all the time, but that was quieted by her need to understand why he was in a kilt.  

            Spike saved her the trouble of asking when he stepped forward.  "So, soldier boy where's the battle?" 

            "Shut up Spike.  You're evil and I'm not gonna take it much longer." 

            "I'm shaking in my little booties. You're so scary a child sized vampire can kick your ass." 

            "Why exactly are you dressed up?  Halloween isn't until next week."  Buffy interrupted.  

            "I was practicing." Riley said defiantly. 

            "For what?  Swordplay in the Special Olympics?  Dusting for Dumbies?  Or, to be more accurate, how to be completely useless to a Slayer."  Spike drawled.  

            "I figured that if we got turned into Halloween costumes again, then I'd be ready to save us all just in case." Riley puffed.

            "Yeah, cause you'd really be useful, dressed as a 13th century Scottish patriot.  Tell us, do you just really like the way tartan plaid feels against your thighs?"  Spike chided. 

            Buffy couldn't help laughing.  Spike's observations about her boyfriends were so accurate most of the time, and combined by the way that Riley's kilt looked, laughter ensued.  Riley was deeply offended by Buffy's lack of support, and he gathered up his sword and stalked off in a huff.  Buffy's smile died on her lips as she watched her boyfriend walk straight into an empty grave.  Riley's fell face first, and the force of his body caused the empty casket to close around him.  Being such a large guy, he found that he couldn't turn around.  He started to panic, when he noticed that he had a harder time getting air.  

            The kilt began to shrink and press itself harder into Riley's flesh.  It then crept up his body, leaving his naked half exposed and wrapping itself around his face.  Riley's arms were trapped against his side by the kilt and he could do little to lay there until he fell unconscious. 

            "Riley!" Buffy called out, and attempted to jump down into the grave to saver her boyfriend-again.  

            She found herself suspended in midair as she hit what seemed like a force field.  Spike rushed forward to pull the Slayer away.  She hit him and went back at it.  "And the definition of insanity goes too" Spike said beneath his breath.  

            Eventually the force gave way and Buffy fell on top of the coffin.  She scrambled to open it and release Riley.  What she saw made her scream.  "Guess the ex-commando went Commando."  Spike observed at Riley's bare bottom.  

            "Hasn't been toilet trained either," he said making a face. 

            "Spike help me."  Buffy cried as she began hefting Mr. Poopy butt out of the hole.  

            The kilt had been nestled around Riley's face, but hadn't appeared tight at all by the time Buffy removed it.  

            "He's dead Slayer Musta choked to death." Spike said, with only a hint of glee in his face.  

            **************** 

                        The funeral had taken place with only minimal attendance.  Giles and the Scoobies had attempted to research Riley's death, assuming the kilt had to be evil in someway and had been disappointed to learn that it wasn't any more evil than any other kilt out there.  

            Spike had been careful to remove the tag that said 'Ethan's on it.  From the payphone he collect called Los Angelous.  

            The operator informed him that the charges were accepted, and the line began ringing. 

            "Angel Investigations We help the helpless." A chipper voice answered. 

            "Is Peaches around?" Spike asked Cordelia. 

            "Oh.  Spike.  Yeah let me get him."  

            A few muffled minutes passed and Angel himself was on the phone.  "Worked like a charm."  Spike informed his grand-sire. 

            "Yeah?" 

            "Yeah.."  

            "Why did you go along with this Spike?" Angel asked. 

            "Been looking for an excuse to get rid of him for awhile.  He's a bigger poof than you are, and that's saying something."  

            Spike could hear Cordelia's voice calling Angel off to help some poor soul, so the conversation was cur off.  Spike grinned, Riley had been dispatched, and now Angel was roving off to meet certain doom.  It was shaping up to be a good year for him.  A very good year indeed.  He replaced the phone on the receiver and strolled off towards the Magic Box.  It had surprised him when Angel had suggested such a plan, but Spike was glad he war around to reap the rewards.  

            Angel was now in his debt, and he idly wondered if the brooding vampire would return the favor and dispatch Xander.  Spike smiled to himself at the delicious thought and stepped through the door.  The Scoobies were all so trusting, it was almost too easy.      


End file.
